Mommy Adventures: Coping with Death

There seems to be more news of deaths than births for the last couple of years.

Two weeks ago, my children’s school welcomed spring with devastating news. A parent of two students currently enrolled at school passed away due to injuries he suffered from a tragic car accident. He was 35, and is survived by his wife of more than a decade and three young children (a 5th grader, a 2nd grader and a 3-year-old). Though Captain Awesome and Little HRH were greatly affected by the loss of both my grandfathers late last year, the passing of a young and healthy daddy seemed to have alarmed them. A fact on mortality hit them hard: their parents, young as they are, are just as vulnerable as an old man and can be taken from them at any given second.

Captain Awesome buried his face on my chest, hugged me tight and broke the news to me in the afternoon of the 21st. Little HRH asked if they could talk to Um (who was at work at the time) on the phone because she just wanted to hear his voice. They asked me to try to stay alive for as long as I can. Though many parents generally respond “yes” to that imposing request, it would not be wise to make promises to children regarding something we have no control of.

Children have a variety of ways in coping with death. Some of them may or may not manifest their chosen methods. Some of them may seem fine on the surface, but are struggling inside. The best way to make sure they are processing and recovering from tragedy is to help them. I am no expert, but here are some of the things I have been doing recently for Captain Awesome and Little HRH:

1. “Die”, “Dead”, “Death” – These words are perceived as impolite, insensitive and tactless for adults, but for children, the use of concrete words is helpful. It helps them fully comprehend the situation and allows them to react in whatever way they know how. Understanding and reacting are crucial in the healing process.

2. Death is Not the End – I have always believed that souls continue on to another dimension once their time here on earth is done. I tell Captain Awesome and Little HRH that we will all meet our friends and loved ones again in the Kingdom of God someday. God willing.

3. Be Ready to Listen – Little HRH is not as expressive as Captain Awesome. She may seem OK and unaffected, but more often than not, she often comes up to me and tell me something that bothers her. When my maternal grandfather passed away in October, it was when she arrived here in the States that she opened up about how sad she really feels and cried her heart out.

4. Answer Questions  - It is rather difficult to answer questions on subjects that none of us mortals fully grasp. The most important thing is to answer as truthfully as possible. Bear in mind, though, that it is OK to answer, “I don’t know”. Just be sure to respond in a compassionate manner.

5. Allow the Children to Express Their Emotions – Grief, loss and sadness are very overwhelming. Let them express these emotions by doing something creative. Fortunately for me, Captain Awesome and Little HRH always find ways to keep their minds off of things. They draw, write and everything else that they can imagine. Remember that children may also feel upset or angry as they try to make sense of losing a loved one. Let them. Acknowledge their pain and just listen.

The family that recently lost their man-of-the-house are probably employing more ways to help the children cope with their father’s death. As far as my children are concerned, however, the items I mentioned above somewhat help ease the pain.